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Week 6 – Harsh
Sometimes you can spin things around with a positive attitude. This time was not one of those times.
It was tough and I am glad it’s coming to an end.
Week 5 – now for real
I am still not entirely believing that I am pregnant again. Yet, nausea, tiredness and mood swings are helping a little to make it real.
Week 4, not 6
It turns out that I am 4 weeks pregnant, not six. This confusion is not due to my sleep deprivation. It turns out that breastfeeding can make cycles quite irregular and so, the pregnancy is now at an earlier stage than we thought. Breastfeeding while pregnant SOrry, what? The first doctor's appointment was last week, and I was surprised to find out that the pregnancy is still at about four weeks. It turns out that, because I am still breastfeeding, the cycles are irregular and it's hard to tell when the last one started. Oh well. We had an ultrasound, and you could already see the nest made for the baby and a flickering movement that eventually becomes a heart. It was moving. There was also some discussion about the Gestational Diabetes, which I had the first time around. I am tempted to skill the Glucose Test and just assume that I have it. The test takes a whole morning, it's quite unhealthy, and the odds that I'll have it again are very high. So, why not just assume that I have it back, take care of my diet and measure the sugar levels? The doctor is not convinced, but I haven't given it up yet. In the meantime, I've been getting more and more tired and always a bit nauseous. It' a good reminder that I am, actually, pregnant. It is a slow process actually to realise it. Maybe because it happened so quickly - on the first month we "tried" - maybe because there's my baby to take care of. Either way, it seems like it's happening and...
Table for one
Fast forward and I am now completely in love with my husband and son. What I felt at the time, though, was real and sincere. My husband just changed my whole world and life upside down.
An Ode to my husband
May there be no doubts, though: Family is the highest priority for both of us. We simply figured out this was the best format for us, as a unit, to build a life we loved.
Needs and Love
I seem to wish him to need me, not just love me. He can’t say “I love you” but he can come to my breast and relax.
Week 38 – Ukulele
Countdown to the big day Week 38! Wow "Now, it's countdown time. I am very agitated, wondering what each sign could mean, what to do and not do." We had our last scheduled appointment with the doctor and it all went very well. Both the baby and I are ready and set for birth. It could happen today or in two weeks, there's no way of knowing for sure. My body is now super tired, different types of pain coming at different times. All these changes are, I imagine, setting us up for the big moment. The blood sugar levels are normal, borderline too low so all is good in that front as well. Now, it's countdown time. I am very agitated, wondering what each sign could mean, what to do and not do. There's no rush for the boy to arrive but I would love to know when it will happen. In the meantime, there's not much to do apart from being patient. I'm so grateful that I don't have an office to go to and pretend to work. There's no way I could get anything done, I would piling up stress and draining precious energy. Going for a walk around the block is already a big and exhausting adventure. Support My husband has been amazing and trying to give as much support as possible. It must be very tough for him, to know the baby is about to come but not feel it growing inside of him bit by bit. And there's so much going on, at work, with us, with...
Week 37 – Small Pizza
Getting to the finish line Bigger Belly, Bigger Excitement "I hope I'll remain calm and kind enough to be there for him. It's the best I can do for him." At this point the baby could be born and most likely be strong and healthy. We are coming to the finish line and it's becoming more and more real. The belly is getting bigger, more compact. The back is getting more sensitive so there's more pain and discomfort. The pelvis is changing by the hour, tilting, expanding and pulling down. The baby's movements also feel different. Now it's less about kicking and punching but more about rolling and stretching. There's less space and more interaction. We are here for you. Daddy is also growing more excited and realising that this is actually happening. And so am I. The week went by without much to report. I've been busy with work related things and all is ready for the baby. But, most of all, I've been quite tired. I move a little and that's enough to get exhausted. No point in pushing hard but I know it's good to move. And it does feel better after exercising a bit - regardless if it's in the pool or going for a walk. My mind is also tired and I can't focus on anything for long. I keep forgetting small things and getting distracted but that's okay. If you can't beat them, join them. In this case, it's better to smile at it and move on. I've been reading more about delivering the baby, what...
Week 36 – Pillow
The baby is the size of a throw pillow The belly is the size of a big pillow Arrivals and Departures "I miss falling asleep in his arms and feeling like there’s no better place in the whole world. And then waking up with a sense of gratitude when I see him and my giant belly." Very soon the baby will be here. It's impossible to say if in a few days or a few weeks but it's happening very soon. I've heard that when you get to these final weeks of pregnancy, you can't wait to get it over with - it's too tiring and uncomfortable. Plus, you are eager to get to know your child. I'm not in that phase if I will be at all. He seems happy and growing smoothly inside my belly and I would much rather prefer he takes his time and decides when it's the right moment. Sure, I am tired, my back and pelvis keep changing at every moment. I'm often a bit dizzy, not sure if I'm hungry or full; if I should walk or lay my head on a pillow. Yet, all that is good. My body is figuring out what to do, how to enable both of us being well and getting ready for the big day. But, hey, ask me again in a week - maybe I'll have a very different answer. My husband is away, on a business trip. So, I'm home alone, with no structure or agenda. It's nice and quiet and I can take this time to reflect and process on things. I...
Week 35 – Rabbit
Hopping around places, thoughts, dreams. "It's shocking to realise he does not count yet as a member of this world. It's crazy, once you think about all that he is doing already and the impact he has in our lives." It has been 35 weeks already. Time is going by quickly and in a few weeks, the baby will be here. This is becoming more and more real - he moves a lot, my belly is growing and the contractions make his presence undeniable. I am hopping around our place and wondering if there's something missing. Yet, it doesn't calm me down or removes any doubts. In the end, I have no clue what I am doing. But then again, isn't it enough for the baby to be with his daddy and mummy, to be fed, loved and kept warm? Perhaps that is too naive. So I leap back to his room and wonder what else can we do there. And then I go through his clothes, toys and accessories. It seems like it's all there. What about me? Do I need anything apart from the few clothes that are fit for breastfeeding? Isn't that a luxury already? And the daddy - what else can we do so that he's feeling prepared and on top of things? We talk about it and he's very engaged. Maybe that's all there is to it. I'm positive that the rest will come. The baby will tell us what he wants and needs. We'll learn to adapt to being a family of three people when we are actually three living...
Week 34 – Basketball Hoop
Topping it off Week 34! Tasty realisations "It has never been more clear to me how my body is, how my mind is and what we need." Fine I started by going to the clinic. Then, a nurse took my blood, weight and blood pressure and said I was fine. Afterwards, I waited, talked to a doctor, had the ultrasound and was told I was tired but fine and that the baby was good. Finally, another doctor looked at my results and told me my blood sugar and diet was fine. And, after all that, I went to the Pilates studio for some structural integration to help with the back and pregnancy and my instructor said I was fine. The thing is, they could all have asked me. I knew how I was and I knew how my baby was. It would have saved a lot of time, energy and resources from everyone. It has never been more clear to me how my body is, how my mind is and what we need. Me, to some extent my husband and our baby. Of course, I understand - it's great to go to the doctor, track things, have the reassurance that everything is going well. And, if something is off, it can be very beneficial to know and do something about it. I'm all in for health care for everyone, I wish it was a human right, easily accessible and within reach to everyone. Oh well Having said that, this time it all felt unnecessary. More than that, it felt like I was telling my body that I was ignoring the...
Week 33 – Puppy
When I finally got home, there was this moment of surrender that felt magical.
Week 32 – Bento Box
Excitement and Worries Week 32! Bento Box "It would be nice to put this topic in its own corner, separated from the others, and just enjoy the good state of things. " We just came back from the doctor and both mother and baby are doing very well. We had the screenings, saw the gorgeous baby and everyone is happy with how things are going. The baby is getting a bit big which, combined with Diabetes, might mean he'll be born before the 40 weeks. I am slightly worried about that. Although it's normal and common, I still hope the baby will choose his own birthday, not us, not anyone else. Anyway, we'll do what is best for him and it's too soon to think about it. Except I can't avoid thinking about it 🙂 It would be nice to put this topic in its own corner, separated from the others, and just enjoy the good state of things. He's now the size of a Bento Box, with all its compartments to keep the delicious Japanese food organised and separated. I want to focus on doing the same with my thoughts today. I will try to put the birth worries in the very small soy sauce compartment, the appreciation for the moment in the big square, and everything else in its own space. Getting a taste for it The back of my pelvis is starting to ask for some extra attention. This provokes some sharp and intense pains every now and then, probably pinching a nerve. To help with that, stretching, Pilates and TRX are being very useful. On the other hand, sitting for a bit is enough to...
Week 31 – Movie Popcorn
Grab your popcorn What a movie! "I’m glad I got the advice to eat well – now I know I should…? A Comedy, I guess." It's getting tighter and cosier for the baby inside my belly. I can feel him moving more and more and some of his kicking punch against bones and bones. If this was a movie, what kind of movie would it be for him? Maybe Science Fiction. For me, it's been quite a mix of all movie genres. I am starting to get more and more unsolicited advice. From "make sure you are getting enough sleep", "eat well" and, one of my favourites, "make sure you are enjoying this time because it's only 9 months". Sometimes it makes me smile because I know it comes with great intentions. Other times, it tickles the cynic in me. I'm glad I got the advice to eat well - now I know I should...? A Comedy, I guess. Anyway, being tired has an impact on this. Having said, I think I've adjusted to the new levels of energy. If I am too tired to do more, I do less. Simple as that. Can't really fight it. Definitely not an Action Movie. I'll just make some popcorn (figuratively, because I was told to eat well). Besides, at least now I have an option to do less. If I get pregnant again and there's another child to care for at the same time, it won't be as flexible. Ah, how exciting! Imagine that, a house full of kiddos, plotting their next adventure. Suspense The baby room seems to be ready but I...
Week 30 -Helmet
I’m too vulnerable out there. My chest is on fire. It’s cold outside.
Week 29 – Pineapple
It’s like we have a direct phone line that is always dialled in.
Week 28 – Coconut
Connecting with others Week 28! 3rd Trimester "There's something that feels quite special about relying on a strong community to be a part of the baby's life." Interacting The baby is moving and kicking more and more. It's quite fun and interactive, including for his daddy. We had a busy week, with appointments and family visits. It turned out to work quite well. It provided a good distraction from the Diabetes and more focus on the baby and the people we care about. There was this moment where three generations of women put their hand on my belly to feel the baby. Surely each of them was experiencing something very different from the others but they all seemed to be wishing the baby good things. It was a very powerful feeling and an intense sense of connecting with others. There's the saying "it takes a village to raise a child". It is a bit hard to imagine but it must be quite spectacular to have such a network of people. All of these friends who love and care for a child, contributing with what they can and want to their health and happiness. How that combines with a sense of privacy and family boundaries, I'm not so sure. Maybe I have a naive view about it and in reality, it's an emotional chaos filled with conflict. Still, there's something that feels quite special about relying on a strong community to be a part of the baby's life. Connecting In the meantime, I've been reading more about the local system for children. It seems like it's very oriented towards group activities, exploring different types of...
Week 27 – Lamp
Pregnancy Challenges Week 27, it's growing! "There are these flash moments when it's real, acutely real and overwhelming." Emotional Challenges The baby is now the size of a camping lamp or something like 14,5 inches and 37 cms. He's big! This week, with the new year and having the husband at home there was more interactions between daddy and son. There's still some time for the next appointment when we get to know more about how he's progressing and if all is on track for birth. Because he will be born. I know, this might sound very obvious but it hasn't been that obvious to me. Sure, he is kicking and growing, we have been chatting and feeling each other. The pregnancy has been a huge part of my life. I can feel him and his presence is very clear and intense. Yet, the idea that I will be giving birth to him and then he'll be out in the world is only starting to scratch the surface of my emotional fabric. There are these flash moments when it's real, acutely real and overwhelming. And then they fade away to a more romantic, peaceful awareness that we'll be a family of three and a wonderful baby will be joining us. Physical Challenges At a more physical level, it was a week of challenges. There has been some extra dizziness, I'm still quite tired and have headaches every now then. Otherwise, it's just wonderful to see the belly growing, feeling it moving and kicking. I've been lucky so far with sleep and different body pains - touch wood! - and it...
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