So, what happens when you leave the place you’ve been intensely working at for the past ten years? Surprisingly little, at first. I still wake up from dreams about work, wondering about a report, or a project that needs to get done. A keyword, a name will trigger an association with work and the impulse to find out more, to interfere. I still say we/our when in reality it’s they/theirs. Every now and then there is a pang of anxiety, a feeling that this is just a vacation, an interruption; a sense of the floor slipping under my feet.
There are also some artefacts from work. I made my best to not follow the urban myth that all employees steal something from the company but a few things remained nonetheless: the company credit card, the mobile SIM card, stickers from events, etc. Looking at those remind me of my previous second-home; the place I’d go to when I needed to escape from problems, to feel I can deliver and remind myself that there are things I am good at. It was also a way to avoid confronting what I really wanted and needed in life. Now, don’t get me wrong – it was a really good company to work for and it gave me a lot and I gave it a lot. No criticism, no judgement, a lot learned and a lot lived. It’s just it’s still running in my blood and it’s time to get it out of my system. So, I’ve been looking at ways of getting rid of these items; to burn and let them go. Sadly mostly is plastic and metal so i’m having a conflict of values as burning would be terrible for the environment (low impact compared to getting on a plane but still…) and it feels like bad karma. I have an image in my head, with me holding a huge Thor’s hammer and breaking everything into pieces – in that picture, I kind of lose control and let all the stuff come out, hammering it over and over again. And then taking the pieces and putting it in a little bag before trashing it somewhere. That could work. Just need a giant hammer for the little objects.
Back to the main topic I must say that, bit by bit, I’m starting to rest, to open up to what’s inside of and around me. An increased awareness of my thoughts and, more interestingly, of my feelings. A desire for self expression and creativity is blossoming, albeit still very nascent. This is mostly reflected in the mood for cooking, trying my own recipes; in design, looking at ways to make this site beautiful; and also in photography, creating cards for friends who are celebrating their birthdays.
There’s also some curiosity to convert some of the things I do into a source of income: coaching, making personalised cards, what not. But is that a symptom that I am still in the work mode or that I would like to dedicate more to these new areas? It’s probably too soon to tell; I guess I must be patient and wait a bit more, see where I gravitate towards.
In the meantime, I let the new day to day permeate me and wash away the work dreams, routines and triggers. It’s scary and, quite frankly, beautiful. I think I like it here.
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