You will never be the same again
Being by myself has become a luxury. A precious and scarce resource, even more so after becoming a mother of two children. It used to be an essential necessity but one that was commonly satisfied. That is not the case anymore. So, when my husband took both kids out so I could have an hour or two by myself, I rejoiced. After a few minutes, panic set in. I missed all three of them. And what was I gonna do with this time? Oh, of course, I thought, let’s do the things I always enjoyed doing alone: singing to some loud music, most of it memories from my teenage years. Read. Sit in silence.
I turned on the music. It turns out it wasn’t as good as I remembered and after singing for a bit, it was time for something else. I tried reading, but then nothing seemed particularly appealing – whatever I would enjoy reading would take much longer. Let’s sit in silence. Hmm.
These are experiences that don’t feel the same anymore, and it’s not because they are different. It’s me who changed. And given the lack of alone time and meditation, this obvious and unavoidable fact has gone unnoticed until now.
Motherhood changes us. And so does marriage. This was evident to me because these are were such impactful and life-changing events. The difference was immediately apparent. What caught me by surprise was the more subtle changes, the little polishing here and there, the little wearing from day to day.
The new grey hair, the extra patience, the crankiness of sleep deprivation, the softer tone of voice, the lighter sense of humour, the appeal for a richer type of music – all of this came gradually and went unseen. The more permanent but also more subtle desire to be meaningful, to make the world a bit more beautiful, at least to those around me – these variations have been influencing my decisions, the way I look at things, without me remarking them.
Now it is clear, and it will be fascinating to learn more, to find out what else has changed. I am not the same, how could I be, when so much is unrecognizable from just a few years ago?

Hello, you, have we met before? I would love to get to know you again.